I have 7 drafted posts. From weeks 9-15 of my pregnancy. None of which are filled with anything meaningful or interesting. My brain has been a bit mushy and I’ve been in protection mode, trying to keep everything inside of me.
So, here’s what I’ll say…
Becoming pregnant after years of infertility is wonderful. It’s amazing. It’s the greatest thing thats ever happened to me. But has also been the hardest, most challenging and frustrating thing I’ve ever experienced. I genuinely felt ashamed of this fact. I was afraid that whatever I said would come off like I wasn’t grateful, or that I wasn’t happy. Here’s the thing: pregnancy is hard and being pregnant after years of anticipation changes 100% of your life. Rolling out of bed scares me, when I’d wakeup on my stomach in the middle of the night I would panic. Am I getting enough fruits and veggies, is this medication safe, is my dog going to eat my babies, are they even alive in there?!?
I spent plenty of time each day wondering if they’ve died, or if I’ve hurt them, or if they’re growing, or if, if, if, if…. I’ve said it before, hypnotherapy has saved me on my worst days. But nothing erases the fear completely. Even in accidental pregnancies there is some component of fear, so I’ve heard.
I think the hardest part has been truly trying to grasp that I will be a mother. Nothing is set in stone and it feels like all I’ve heard over the past 16 weeks are horror stories with very sad endings.
But here’s the silver lining… what will be, will be. Many women like me have suffered loss or infertility to some degree, but we continue on. It’s scary. Much different than I expected, and yet much, MUCH, more beautiful. The moments of fear make the second I see or hear them a thousand times better. There is nothing like it.
Infertility has given me few gifts. One being that I’m no longer anxious when they tell me to take my pants off and scoot to the edge of the table and the second is that I have patience more now than ever in my life. I’ve waited three years for these babies and I am patiently awaiting their arrival. There is no hurry, I want them to stay in for as long as I can hold them inside.
Now that I’ve gotten that flurry of whatever was in my head out, I’ll give a little update.
I’m 16 weeks and 2 days pregnant. I can finally feel a few little flutters, that I’m sure are them finally. My headaches have only gotten worse, some days leaving me posted up in bed with an icepack on my face praying to God to make the pain stop. Other days the headaches land me in the ER after 12+ hours of crying and trying everything on the planet to make it stop. No nausea or morning sickness (never had any!!), some serious round ligament pain (which started at like 9 weeks when I sneezed and was sure I’d killed someone in there) and no other noticeable symptoms. I have had a very smooth pregnancy, knock on wood. No scares. Just these two little people giving me migraines and floating around kicking each other inside me.
10 weeks picking up mama’s new ride…
12 weeks, making mommy act a fool.
13 weeks… because this might be what they look like when they come out.
14 weeks in Lone Pine, California.
16 weeks… OK, so maybe I had a A LOT to eat that night, and was feeling full and hormones make bellies bigger at night… I thoroughly realize I look like I’m 20 months pregnant but WHATEVER.
and finally, this is what I look and feel like 99% of the time. Tired, but totally in love with my babies.