Sometimes when I’m daydreaming I find myself saying “Well, I guess you just can’t have it all…” and since I’ve been spending a lot of time focusing on what I say to myself (part of the amazing HypnoFertility I’ve been doing) it seems to be a thought I constantly have to “delete” and replace with some weird thought like “I wonder what a chair would look like if my knees bent the other way…”. I think everyone probably has that one thought that makes the most logical sense but really is doing nothing for their happiness, and I mean the first thought, not the second. I’m pretty sure no one thinks the weird shit I do half the time. Which is why in my will its going to say “delete google search history”.
To me that thought (you can’t have it all) makes sense. I have everything else I could possibly need or want in life. My husband is the kind of husband people write about in love stories, he is Prince Charming except we call him King Louis of El Cajon. We are financially stable, I don’t have to work, we have a beautiful home and nice cars and can afford as many children as we desire. Our families are supportive on both ends, I have to say that not many people love their mother, father and sister-in-law as much as I do, besides maybe Louie! We have the BEST friends who have been beyond supportive, doing research about IVF and asking questions and staying involved and caring more than I ever expected any of them to. Surely I don’t deserve anymore happiness. Sometimes I find myself thinking that I hardly deserve the happiness I have already.
A baby would be the icing on the cake for us. While some new parents are surprised at the work and the dedication and the sleeplessness and the pain and the frustration, Louie and I are fairly well versed in the language of baby and new parent. We’ve had those experiences (albeit not every single night, but often enough to know exactly what we’re getting ourselves into) and we want them. I can’t wait to barf my brains out with morning (noon and night) sickness, be barfed on by my sweet little baby, sleep very little and change dirty diapers day in and day out.
Sometimes I wonder if it’s just myself trying to soften the blow of another disappointment. Another thing I’ve learned and now cling to is this: no matter what, its gonna suck if it doesn’t work. I can choose to be positive the entire time or pessimistic and feel that I deserve this hardship. Either way I will feel exactly the same in the end if IVF doesn’t work. I’ll be crushed, mourn, smoke a pack of cigarettes, cry into my sandwich and then move on to the next step.
It seems kind of fitting that I’m paying for our IVF today and getting our prescriptions. National Infertility Awareness Week began yesterday, I mean, come on! How hilarious is that? This whole thing has been one crazy sick joke. I find myself laughing and crying at the same time more often than you probably imagine. Either I’ve gone insane or this whole thing is terrible and funny and awful and the kind of thing you just have to throw your hands up in the air and say “fuck it!” just to turn around three seconds later and realize that you will NEVER ever stop trying.
I read an article last night that I probably shouldn’t have read, it was all about the ethics of IVF. When you start dealing with science that is seriously messing with the hands of God and fate and nature, people have opinions. The whole thing made me start second guessing some of our choices. I know plenty of people who, if they knew about all that goes into IVF, would be vehemently against it. There are ways to get around these morally ambiguous issues, but those things have a much less likely chance of working. I am fairly decided on the fact that I probably shouldn’t get into specifics with most people. Not because I can’t handle the opposition but because I’ve already made my choices. I feel good about them, but I understand where other people I care about are coming from. It’s kind of like one of those hot topic issues in the mommy world, to circumcise or not, to breastfeed or not, to schedule a cesarian or not, all issues that so many people feel passionately about one way or another. I’m don’t want anyone I care about to think I’m some kind of unethical monster, so I think it’s time to keep some of that to myself.
So basically, I’ve come to many conclusions over the past few weeks. Firstly, I have to stay positive. If I don’t I will literally sit on the couch and cry at old episodes of Bones and Castle and Law and Order (I’ve got a weird fetish for crime dramas). Secondly, I need to not share with the world the morally questionable choices we’re making. That goes for other aspects of my life too- I’m pretty sure someone would have moral objections to just about everything if they walked into my house on a Friday night. Third, I am incredibly lucky. I love myself even through all the let downs my body has given me. I love my friends and family and have an abundance of supportive ones. I love my husband and he loves me enough to always keep my Brita pitcher filled up and keep roses in my vases, carry his “sample” in a paper bag and hand it to a stranger at the front desk and not complain once and shoot me up with all sorts of needles and drugs that make me turn into the Hulk. Well maybe about the flowers, he still doesn’t understand how I can love something that can die in a week. WHATEVER Lou, just bring home the flowers before I turn green, forget your my husband and punch the TV in.
So today I get my schedule for everything, pay for everything upfront and go pickup my meds. Which, even though we have insurance that covers SOME of the IVF, doesn’t hardly put a dent in the overall cost of this stuff. SWEET LORD, how is THIS morally acceptable? I digress. Let’s just say if we have to do this more than once I’m gonna go back to school and become a doctor so I can do my own IVF, because that would be cheaper. Anyway, before the egg retrieval we’re off to Vegas. Hopefully our last vacation without a baby. My last Mother’s Day as a non-mother. We’re taking Louie’s parents, which should be amazing. Plus I get to put on some sunless tanner! I love looking like I bathe in nuclear power plant sludge. Also, we’re going to see David Copperfield, which is Louie’s idol, considering he used to want to be a magician! Oh yes. It’s perfect because I’ve always wanted to be a magicians assistant. It’s like we were meant to be from the start.