I haven’t been sleeping much. For some reason I have been having nightmares about everything, or so it seems. I have a feeling it’s just the fact that my body is adjusting to some huge lifestyle changes.
Life as I knew it for the past 7 years is over. It’s been a weird adjustment period, but I know it’s for the best. I’ve wanted a baby for a very long time. Last Valentine’s day was the first step in really making a serious move forward with fertility treatments. I quickly realized that it was just not the right time for IUI and any other treatments. I wanted to drink coffee, take whatever meds I needed for ADHD and anxiety. I loved smoking, staying up late, pulling all nighters, eating bad… pretty much everything you absolutely shouldn’t do if you want a baby. So I did it all. And I loved every single second of it.
The times have changed. I am officially a non-smoker, as of the day Charlie was born. I am 100% medication free, although my anxiety and ADHD are still as present as ever. It’s been a fairly rough adjustment though. My sleeping patterns are all over the place, my moods are all over the place and I’m trying desperately to find new ways to cope with all of these things. I feel like I jumped into the deep end and I’m trying not to drown.
I do have the most amazing silver lining though. We started our first REAL fertility treatment! Yes. It’s finally happening. We’re starting off with IUI. I took Clomid for 5 days (which came with its own super awesome side effects like hot flashes, which are NO joke, and roller coaster emotions), I have an HSG scheduled for tomorrow, along with an ultrasounds to see if the Clomid worked, then sometime at the end of the week we will do the actual IUI. Turns out we will probably find out if we are pregnant or not on Valentines day.
Which is kinda perfect when you think about it. Our first real step in this whole “lets have a baby the science way” was our first appointment with our fertility doctor on Valentines day, which I blogged about here. Now, we find out, a year later, if our first real step was the only real step we needed. I don’t have my hopes up. I don’t want to get excited. I want to hide under a rock and pretend like nothing is happening. Of course I’m scared of it not working, but I think I’m equally as scared of it working.
I know I made it through one miscarriage, and I could do it again, but I really don’t want to, obviously. I wish there was a guarantee, that the Universe could promise me a perfect little baby at the end of all of this. But I’ve seen too much. I’ve read stories of people who have 5, 6, 7 miscarraiges. Who carry full term and have still born babies. Who go through 8 IUI’s and 6 IVF’s and spend all their money and never get the baby they worked so hard for. All of those things plague my mind while going through all of this. I’m scared of it working, I’m scared of it not working. I think at this point I’m just scared, period.
I’m trying desperately to be brave. I’m trying to be gentile with myself. I’m trying to find the balance of happiness and fear. I’m lucky because I have so many great people cheering me on, holding my hand, listening to me whine, protecting me, loving me. It makes this whole process so much easier.
So, that’s where I am right now. Treading water in the deep end. Trying not to drown. For most people making a baby is a fun frolic in the shallow end, an enjoyable process. Easy, simple. I still get angry sometimes wondering why some people get pregnant so quickly. I watch people I love, strangers, acquaintances, people I dislike, clients and family members start families on purpose (and sometimes on accident) so easily, and I wonder why it couldn’t be like that for me. But, I suppose everyone has a plight in life. This just happens to be mine. There are plenty of other things that other people worry and stress about that I don’t have to. The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, but I’ve realized that once I stop worrying about everyone else’s grass and start tending to my own, things become much more beautiful.