It’s been such a crazy whirlwind of emotions and events lately. I’ve made plenty of attempts at writing about the holidays and everything that goes along with them.
Christmas was perfection. Easy, filled with wonderful family. The best I’ve had in many years. I got some of the best gifts ever. A huge picture of my husband and Shelby, looking fucking beautiful. Seriously, my husband is ridiculously sexy. Needless to say, I love the picture. My dad got me an amazing emerald ring. Its huge and sparkly and perfect. My dad has the best taste in jewelry! I spent DAYS in matching PJ’s with my mom and sister. Like I said, perfection.
New Years was quiet. Just a couple of friends and sparklers. I may or may not have almost lit my fake hair on fire.
Then I finally turned in my thesis paper and graduated. Which was basically the highlight of my life. I finally fulfilled the dream my dad always had for me.
Then my best friend had her baby. It was beautiful, magical, emotional. I am so grateful and honored that she chose me as her doula. When we all finally met Charlotte Belle there were many tears of joy. When I got home that morning I only had a few moments of sadness for myself. Our babies would have been weeks, maybe even days, apart. They could have had joint birthdays, shared clothes, protected each other, told secrets, crossed milestones. We could have had play dates, sleepless nights together, watched them grow together. It could have been so many wonderful things. I’m so grateful she is here and she is safe and beautiful and perfect in every single way, but I am sad she doesn’t have a best friend. She is going to be one REALLY loved and spoiled baby, especially by her auntie.
And then I got the flu. Like the day after she was born. So I’ve been quarantined off from the beautiful little babe because while the flu makes me want to rip my skin off, it is much more dangerous for her. So I’ve been living on pictures and texts. Probably a blessing in disguise, giving the new parents time before I descend like a hawk and never leave their house. I might just bring my air mattress and post up in the nursery for the rest of her life.
Now, as for where we are in the whole baby thing… It’s becoming less complicated. There is nothing holding us back from doing everything we can to get our baby. Which leads us to IUI. I’ve got a whole 20 step process that should lead us to pregnancy. Lots of medications and appointments and again, my reproductive organs will be on display and under scrutiny. I’m surprisingly cool with that. When all is said and done, there isn’t much I can do but scoot to the end of the table and relax. All my years of anxiety and frustration and working myself up has to go out the window, the best thing I can do for my unborn child is chill the fuck out.
So I’ve started doing yoga with my mom again, put away the ADHD meds with the Faulknerian Literature and started looking within my own sphere. I was desperately afraid that becoming a housewife would literally make me a crazy person. I, like so many fictionalized women from the novels I’ve been reading, have an active mind and after reading “The Awakening”, “The Yellow Wallpaper”, “A Doll’s House”, “Miss Julie” and many others, I became aware of the effect of the domestic on the free spirit. I really was afraid I’d go bat shit crazy.
Turns out no one else is writing this story. Just me. I get to decide what makes me happy. It also turns out that I don’t have an oppressive male counterpart. It also turns out you can have the best of both worlds.
Once that little bit of information was clarified, I think this whole process became easier. I have been sleeping better at night, I’ve had happier days, my house is cleaner, I’m losing weight. Once I stopped trying to see the world in only black or white and forcing myself to pick a side, it all became so much more fun.
I’m so ready to be a mother. It’s taken a long time for me to say that and not worry that someone was judging me for not using my “gift”.
Once I decided to call the fertility office it felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. The wheels are turning, the steps are in place. I’m hesitant to blog about the whole IUI process. I worry that not everyone wants to know all the details, or that I might be revealing too much.
The first step is blood work on cycle day 2. So, while the world keeps on turning, I’ll be waiting on my period.