It feels so strange to just be overwhelmed, like– at a loss for words. If you know me in real life, I’m NEVER at a loss for words. But for some reason it just hit me so hard tonight.
Louie and I participated in lighting a candle for pregnancy and infant loss awareness day. I found this candle that I’ve had for a very long time. My grandma gave it to me. I’ve brought it with me through numerous moves and it’s been hidden in every closet. I think it follows me around and it moves at night when we’re sleeping. I digress… The candle was meant for this purpose. Louie and I don’t talk much about the miscarriage because it just is too hard to deal with sometimes. So we tried to make this occasion lighthearted and playful. Which means I singed his chest hair before lighting the candle, on purpose. Totally set the mood. We laughed and hugged and then he asked me to hold his hand as he lit the candle. We just kind of took a moment, and let it pass quietly.
My Allie bear and my momma sent me texts of love, they made me feel validated. It’s hard because our loss was so early, but it still hurts and I appreciate that they are always willing to listen to me. I got a number of responses from people- many of whom I had no idea had suffered losses like mine. It made me feel so connected, and whatever loneliness that was lingering in my heart subsided for the moment. I got an email from a long time friend who shared a story with me that sent my heart reeling out into the abyss, so grateful for the vulnerability of others.
Maybe I’m hormonal. Maybe I’m still trying to process what happened. Maybe I’m carrying a lot of things in my heart right now. But beyond the hurt and the tears and the pain is this huge bright orb of happiness that is chasing me down.
I feel like I finally surrendered and let it in. I could carry on, and on, and on about the amazing friends that I am so blessed with. They lift me up and give me so many new opportunities to grow and change. I feel like I carried a lot of maliciousness and cruelty in my heart for a while there, I don’t think I could even recognize it for a while. I cut so many negative people out of my life, slowly but surely, even though it though it was hard to do. I did it, and I can literally physically feel the difference in my life. I started trying to listen more than I spoke and love my friends for who they are and I’ll tell you right now- I have never ever felt more love in my life.
I can’t even talk about Louie without sounding like a weirdo. I suppose that’s a blog for another day. Suffice it to say- the only thing I look forward to more than spending the rest of my life with him, is one day being able to expand our family. Someone recently imparted a little wisdom that made my day even brighter.. a few years of darkness is worth the lifetime of sunshine.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m still a super cranky bitchface sometimes. And I cry when I leave almost every test I take in school. I whine, all the time. I hate cleaning and I always take it super personal when people don’t want to pet my dog. But… I’m working on it. And I’m just glad that I have this kick ass support system that won’t let me pull a Holly 2007 anytime soon. If you don’t understand the reference, consider yourself lucky. Those were the dark ages.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, my heart is like… exploding with happiness. It could be the ADHD meds, but I’m thinkin its probably just the fact that I wiped the assfaces from my life and started really living for the people who mean the most.
The semester is officially more than halfway through and I am beyond excited for the next chapter. Though this blog has turned into a private journal (with more than half the entries still drafts, never to be published) I don’t mind. I’m not sure when I’ll hit my blogging grove, as of now it’s one of those things I promise to do more… like workout, or call people back. It’ll happen. Just like everything else. In its own perfect time.