So, here’s the thing… I’m sitting at home in my PJ’s and I have almost NO motivation to write anything. I think it has a lot to do with this whole infertility thing. When I first started this journey I felt so lost, so I did research. I educated myself to all things PCOS. Then, about a year in I started talking about it with friends. Then two years in I started feeling more open about it, and wanted to talk about it with everyone. Then, three years in I had a miscarriage. Then everyone I knew started reproducing and leaving me in the dust, and now I just can’t hardly bring myself to do anything. Ok, maybe that sounds a little overdramatic, but it’s true. Infertility is the leading cause of everything bad in my life. It’s my favorite thing to blame everything on. Why didn’t I go to class this morning? Duh, it’s because I’m infertile. Why am I wearing my pajama’s to dinner? Obviously, it’s because I’m infertile. Why Haven’t I done the laundry or dishes? Well, that’s because I just got my nails done….. last week.
Moral of the story? This shit is hard.
I never thought I’d have ANYTHING in common with the Kardashian’s. Well besides that my sister has an ass like Kim and my mom has a closet like Kris and my dad and Bruce Jenner are basically the same person… minus the weird face Bruce has going on. Anyway, there I was. Negative pregnancy test to my left, freshly peed on. Carl Jr’s chicken sandwich and a Dr Pepper to my right (this was a total eat-your-feelings moment). Then BAM, thanks E! Channel, the Kardashian’s come on. Khloe isn’t ovulating and Kourtney is about to pop out a baby, and I just FEEL IT. I know that pain. Maybe they aren’t real people, maybe they’re robots. Whatever, in that moment, I was one with Khloe. As I was sobbing into my sandwich and texting my 24 week pregnant best friend that “my body has failed me”, I realized something… This is life. I’m not the only person in the world to lose a baby, or fail to get pregnant, or eat my feelings, or cry at the Kardashian’s, or neglect things because I’m so consumed with feeling sorry for myself. There are plenty of sad stories out there. Probably just as many happy ones, too. I’m sure in a year we’ll be watching Khloe have a baby. I’m sure that ONE DAY I’ll be pregnant (one way or another). But here’s the thing: I will never forget how hard these past three years have been. I will never look back and say “Oh, how silly of me. If I only knew I’d be pregnant in X amount of years.” I will ALWAYS remember crying into my chicken sandwich and in the shower and on the floor and in my car and on the phone and at the TV. This is my life, every bit of it. It’s making me who I am.
SO maybe I don’t have much else in common with Khloe, besides people usually calling her the fat sister, which I TOTALLY get. And her having a loving husband, which I can sympathize with too. Wait a second… is Khloe Kardasihan my emotional/life doppleganger? Once Louie buys me that Range Rover I’ve been wanting and grows about 2 feet… then we’ll discuss this possibility a little more. Until then, let’s just say we have some stuff in common. Which I think is GREAT, because with all the “16 and Pregnant” shows out there, it’s nice for us infertile ladies to have at least part of our stories heard. Because let’s be honest, I’m starting to get a little tired of watching shows where people accidentally shit kids out into the toilet at Walmart or McDonalds…. Just kidding, those shows NEVER get old!