All Consuming…

Here’s the rundown. We’re doing IUI in April, May or June. (Probably May, but we’re not certain on the date yet). I have tons of blood work to do, good thing Louie isn’t a Vampire like I always wished he was or he wouldn’t be able to take me to the lab to get it done. I have an HSG (aka they’re going to make my uterus glow and take an xray of it) scheduled for next cycle, thank God for the internet and fertility forums because I was so worried it was going to hurt, but most people said it was NBD. I start a new medication to lower my thyroid, my mom said it smells like dead animals and the internet says it will give me IBS, I say whatever- I’ll eat a dead animal and shit my pants for a baby. Speaking of shitting, I have a colonoscopy and endoscopy scheduled for the middle of March, before any of the other tests. So, that should be fun. I plan on taking handfuls of Xanax and crying every day for a week before the procedure. I’m way too dramatic for my own good. All the while I will be going to school. 

My uterus has taken over our lives. Night and day we talk about babies, how we’re going to get them, what we’re going to name them, who’s going to change more diapers, if Shelby will like them, and the list goes on. I’ve talked about being bitter before, and how it’s become the overwhelming feeling of my life right now. I thought I would shake it, and I’m not convinced it wont go away, but for right now… I feel pretty bitter. I think that’s the word I want to use. Bitter. It’s almost like angry, and also like jealous, all rolled into one. Totally not a good feeling to harbor towards anyone. I feel like I’m walking around spewing venom on people, like a snake with bipolar disorder.

When people tell me to “just relax” or “It will happen when God know’s you’re ready” I want to scream at them. I mean, what kind of crazy person does that? The screaming, not the advice part. Everyone gives unwarranted unwanted advice all the time. I don’t know why it makes me so mad when someone tells me to relax. I used to tell my mom to “chill out” in the car when she was yelling at me or my sister (which was usually me) and she would become furious. Maybe I’m so stressed out that when someone tells me to relax I go into warp speed stress out and turn into Bill O’Riley (basically bat shit crazy). It’s hard to be angry at people when they just want to give you a piece of advice that they believe could help. The problem is that they probably don’t know what I have been dealing with, to no fault of their own. When you have multiple doctors telling you that you have multi factor infertility and that the only chance of having a baby includes tubes, awkward ultrasounds, learning what millimeter every follicle should be and how thick the uterine lining should be, getting hot flashes from fertility drugs, very closely monitored cycles and basically constant contact with a fertility center, you start to realize that it doesn’t matter how “relaxed” you are… a baby will not magically appear out of thin air.

Here’s the thing though, something I learned through reading another blog. We are going to get our babies. Bottom line. Then the energy I spent worrying about HOW will all be over, and my new worries about them being safe and happy will begin. The thing that I have to focus on then, is not the negatives, or other people’s advice or  anyone elses’ uterus, but my own. It’s ok that people don’t know what I’m dealing with, they just knew someone who knew someone who drank raspberry tea for three weeks straight and got pregnant. And thats OK! I know what I’m up against. I know that I have a ton of things to deal with right now and I can handle it. Well, I’m sure I wont be without a few anxiety attacks here and there, but for the majority of the time… I’ll be fine. We’re beyond raspberry tea, we crossed into a new reality, a reality full of people in lab coats and fancy letters before their names. I’m slowly going beyond my bitterness and jealousy and into a place where I can coexist with people who’s reproductive organs function normally. But, in order to become a more kind and understanding person… I have got to stop watching youtube videos of people telling their families that they are pregnant. Seriously, it’s becoming a problem.

So, as you can tell, Valentines day went great. No, honestly. It did. Louie actually said it was the “best day” of his life so far. Deciding to really make another human being is pretty cool. Our baby will be NO accident, very carefully planned and strategically executed. Every last detail will be thought of. Do I think my child will care about this 13 years from now? Probably not. He/She will probably be too busy on their space phone (because in 13 years we’re all going to be living on the moon) talking about how mad they are I wouldn’t let them go to a party on Mars or something. Crazy space kids, don’t you know how hard I worked for you??

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