I give up. I resign myself to myself. There is no more fighting, no more empty promises. I am a procrastinating, under prepared, disorganized, impulsive person who waits until the last minute to do everything. Has this quality made my life more difficult? Yes, absolutely. I do not pretend to have it all together, I am nothing like my mother, mother in-law, sister, sister in-law, every friend I have and my beautiful, amazing, organized and motivated husband.
However, I would like the record to show that even though my life is made exponentially more difficult by my lack of preparedness, it is also much more fun and dramatic. Just like me. There are things in my life that I take very seriously and these things are only made better by my ability to be totally in the moment, never thinking about what is due the next day or what chores I need to do when I get home.
Being a doula is something that brings me sanity. Though stressful, sometimes scary and life altering, it is the one thing in my life that does not require me to be anything but present in the moment. I am no longer caring about myself, all notions of selfishness go out the window the moment I walk into a room and see a woman with a round belly who is about to change the world. My anxiety disappears and my mind clears of all thoughts besides “How can I help this woman, how can I use my skills to get her through this?” Then I act on instinct and the teachings of women who have taught me invaluable things about the nature of birth and care for birthing women. I forget that the world even exists around me because nothing matters more to me in those moments, hours, days, than giving all of myself to her. It is the social situation that never even allows me to think about reaching for a Xanax or a cigarette. After every birth, regardless of its content or happenings, I am full of joy and peace that nothing could shake. Not even a 10 page paper due in three hours that I haven’t started. Why? Because every stress of life becomes trivial compared to watching and being a part of the moment a baby and a mother end their journey through pregnancy and birth and begin the journey of life on Earth together.
Those are the moments I am happy I am who I am. The rest of the time? Well, that is another story. It is a much more chaotic and overwhelming story. The rest of the time I am plagued with things that should be done, that I ought to be doing and that surround me begging me to complete them. Instead, I watch Grey’s Anatomy, stalker call my friends until they answer and begin to question my sanity all together. Am I crazy? Aren’t we all a little crazy? I refuse to believe that even the most seemingly put together people don’t have moments of disillusionment.
On a lighter note, I sent our hairstylist Aubree, who I will introduce more thoroughly at a later time, a few pictures of what I want Louie’s hair to look like when she cuts it today. Said pictures include: Robert Pattison, John Krasinski and Ryan Gosling. Here’s the thing… I’m not sure if it’s because their hair is what I want, or if I just want all three of them to show up at my door when Louie gets home from work. Though I think my husband might be better than all three of them combined. He’s got great hair, a smile that makes me melt, a dry and sarcastic sense of humor (just the way I like it) and he doesn’t ever judge me when I eat an entire box of Lucky Charms and pass out with an open jug of milk in my hand.
Yesterday I called Jeanette.
Hey J, so I was wondering… I think this cut on my finger is infected. At what point should I go to the ER?
Never. Never come to the ER unless your finger is falling off.
– And that, ladies and gents, is how I know that I might have a nervous breakdown before midterms even begin.